Learning I'm not in Control

A perfect start to my week was in the Jesus Calling for Sunday the 6th: "Be willing to follow wherever I lead, follow Me wholeheartedly, with glad anticipation quickening your pace. Though you don't know what lies ahead, I know; and that is enough! Some of my richest blessings are just around the bend: out of sight, but nonetheless very real. To receive these gifts, you must walk by faith - not by sight. This doesn't mean closing your eyes to what is all around you. It means subordinating the visible world to the invisible Shepherd of your soul" (1 Corinthians 5:7; John 8:12). I am here because I felt God calling me to come. While, it is exciting and filled with a lot of fun, it wasn't an easy decision for me to make and I still am in awe of how it all worked out and fell into place - God is definitely in control because this is a step I could never take on my own. While I have some sense of adventure in my personality, this far exceeds the limit of going outside my comfort zone. Even in the midst of a scary experience also starting my week, Sunday's devotional still comforts me and I know that Jesus is leading me.
On Sunday, in order to get internet, Emily, Lydia, and I drove to the mall - because I have the car, I was in the driver's seat. After touching base with our half hour free wifi, having coffee, and cake (Lydia got soup), we headed home as it was starting to get dark and it was slightly rainy and I didn't want to have to drive in the pouring rain in case one of Pietermaritzburg's infamous thunderstorm's decided to hit. Unfortunately, going around one of the mall's traffic circles, I got us into a car accident. Both of our front bumpers hit, luckily no one was hurt and the damage was minimal since we were both going slow in the parking lot. While the car accident has caused a lot of worry, guilt, and annoyances on both sides, I am learning that God has everything in control and I should just be thankful that no one got hurt and that the man was fairly understanding. I still do not know all the details of how everything will work out and the cost of things but insurance in handling it at this point and I just have to remember that this is a small incident in the large scheme of things and that it could have happened to anyone. Again my devotionals calmed me as Monday's read, "In order to hear my voice, you must release all your worries into My care. Entrust to Me everything that concerns you. This clears the way for you to seek My face unhindered. Let me free you from fear that is hiding deep inside you. Sit quietly in my presence, allowing My light to soak into you and drive out any darkness lodged within you.
Accept each day just as it comes to you, remembering that I am sovereign over your life. Rejoice in this day that I have made, trusting that I am abundantly present in it. Instead of regretting or resenting the way things are, thank Me in all circumstances. Trust Me and don't be fearful; thank Me and rest in My sovereignty" (1 Peter 5:6-7; Psalm 118:24; 1 Thessalonians 5:18).
Monday was my day off of work so I had a lot of time to journal and reflect. After writing down this devotional in my journal I wrote: "After the car accident last night, this is a good reminder to let go of regret and what if's and focus on accepting that God is in control and I have to trust that everything will work out in the end. I can't change what happens but I can choose to thank God. God, help me to forgive myself and move past it so that I can learn from my mistakes and move on with renewed hope to continue serving you to the best of my abilities that you have given me."
I considered not sharing about my accident because I didn't want people to find out that in only a couple weeks of driving I got in an accident, but I realized that this is a big part of how I saw God this week, so I can use it as a testimony to God's faithfulness and control. I am learning through this situation that God is in control and that maybe I hold to tightly to my own control and I have to let go and let God. I was getting tired and letting this one mistake get to me and it was affecting me too much. Again, Jesus Calling's devotional uplifted me. Thursday the 9th: "You have been on a long, uphill journey, and your energy is almost spent. Though you have faltered at times, you have not let go of My hand. I am pleased with your desire to stay close to Me. There is one thing, however, that displeases me: your tendency to complain. You may talk to Me as much as you like about the difficulty of the path we are following. I understand better than anyone else the stresses and strains that have afflicted you. You can ventilate safely to Me because talking with Me tempers your thoughts and helps you see things from My perspective." And as if that wasn't enough, Friday's - "Trust me enough to let things happen without striving to predict of control them. Relax, and refresh yourself in the Light of my everlasting Love. My Love-Light never dims, yet you are often unaware of my radiant Presence. When you project yourself into the future, rehearsing what you will do or say, you are seeking to be self-sufficient: to be adequate without my help. This is a subtle sin - so common that it usually slips by unnoticed.
The alternative is to live fully in the present, depending on Me each moment. Rather than fearing your inadequacy, rejoice in my abundant supply. Train your mind to seek My help continually, even when you feel competent to handle something by yourself. Don't divide your life into things you can do by yourself and things that require My help. Instead, learn to rly on Me in every situation. This discipline will enable you to face each day continually."
God keeps surprising me with perfectly timed devotions and Bible verses that have been uplifting me. Andrew sent me this text after I apologized again when it seemed that my devotions weren't freeing me of the guilt enough, "There could be bigger problems, and there are bigger problems in life. So don't worry about it." Andrew is right. I am working at an HIV/AIDS mission and I see people every day that have bigger problems but I keep dwelling on one incident that will not affect my life a month from now. I know this blog is long and focuses mainly on someone else's words, but God used those words to speak to me this week and I thought I would pass them along with a few of my own thoughts and responses so that they could also speak to you.

Besides that small driving incident, my driving has definitely improved and I am feeling more confident as I drive to work and home every day. I have completed my first full week of work and while it wasn't quite as exciting as the first two days because I felt as though I wasn't doing too much, I am enjoying myself in the scheme of things and I am feeling blessed by the people I come into contact with. While I only know 6 kids names because I had them write them down, I feel welcomed when even when I'm not upstairs with them, some of them still come to me and say hi or bye or just smile and wave as they walk by the office. I also enjoy getting to drive one lady home every day and the occasional other worker so that they don't have to walk home in the hot sun. This week got long and I am excited that it is the weekend, but I feel like I am in the right place as people constantly thank me for being here and I got prayed over by three different people this week on two separate occasions before leaving for home. I am excited to see what God has in store for this next week. I will continue praying for all of you back home!