On Tuesday night, I headed right from work to Andrew and Karen's house as they got home from their trip on Monday and we had our first meeting after starting our jobs. It was a great night catching up on each other's lives and enjoying a Russian Mennonite meal (it was delicious, although I think anything that had any relation to Mennonite would have tasted good at this point because no one here knows what a Mennonite is). After supper I talked to Andrew about some of my questions that I mentioned in last week's blog, only to leave with more questions. We talked a lot about discipleship and what it means to invite someone to become a Christian, because that is a lot of what I am reading in the book Follow Me, and I am trying to figure out exactly how I can share my faith in a way that shines God's goodness to those around me, "Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven," Matthew 5:16.
Work this week was not busy so a lot of my days consisted of sitting around so my mom's verse of the day yesterday was a much needed reminder, 1 Corinthians 10:31, "Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all to the glory of God." Sometimes I tend to get frustrated at work when it feels like I'm not doing anything, but I need to remember that even when I'm just sitting there, I can glorify God with my attitude or by talking to my coworkers. I did, however, learn some more Zulu dances at work. The kids were doing group dances where everyone sings and claps on the outside and then the person on the inside dances and then picks the next person to go in, it seemed as though I was going in far too much and everyone just laughed every time I was in, but overall it was fun and I enjoyed myself. It also seemed like on Wednesday there wasn't one second when at least one girl or boy wasn't hugging me or holding my hand. It's like they are afraid that one of these days I am going to leave and never come back - and the sad reality is that when July comes, I will be doing exactly that. When the kids ask to use my camera, I eagerly oblige as I want as many pictures and memories captured as possible because time is limited. One of the boys got green paint out and we put it all over our hands and put our handprints on the wall so now a piece of me will always be there - hopefully by the end of this year it won't just be a mark on the wall but a mark on the kids' hearts like they have already made on mine.
Friday was an exciting day. It marked exactly two months from when I said goodbye to my parents in Chicago so it was nice to keep myself busy so that I wouldn't think about home as much. At work we had a retreat with the other HIV/AIDS mission in Mpophomeni, Ethembeni, for most of the day. We met at a local church and worshipped God through singing (and dancing), had a short message and then discussion on 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. We discussed where/when we find it difficult to love and if we love out of obligation or because we want to. It made me think about when I find it difficult to love. I don't express love much through words or physically, but through serving and that's how I see love the most. It is hard for me to serve people sometimes when I feel they don't deserve it because I am quick at judging and then serve out of obligation. I am coming to realize that if I take the time to move past my judgements and get to know the people, I come to appreciate them more, and then find it easier to serve and love them.
During the retreat we played a bunch of group things which I'm not big on, but I found myself laughing along with everyone else and enjoying my time. I also got to meet eight girls from California that are serving at Ethembeni on a study abroad program so it was nice to talk to them and get to know a little bit about what they are doing here. After lunch, we headed back to Masibumbane and then after doing some office work, I got to head home an hour early. Once home, I helped set up for a braai because it was my host dad's birthday. It was a good night, a bit chaotic as I tried to keep up with the dishes so that we wouldn't run out of dishes (or kitchen space) in the midst of eating IMMENSE amounts of food. It was delicious! Suffice it to say, I slept well that night.
Sunday turned out to be an exhausting day, I was tired physically, mentally, but mostly emotionally. We were talking a lot about college and future decisions a lot Saturday night which was making me feel stressed so the Jesus Calling for yesterday was perfectly timed and then the verse with it Psalm 32:8, "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you," has taken on another meaning as the events of the day unfolded. I really enjoyed church today as my host dad preached and I enjoyed his sermon on establishing yourself in the Word and I had done some reading in Ephesians that I enjoyed but later during the day I heard someone say, "I miss apartheid, things were better then...you can take the pigs out of the mud but you can't take the mud off the pigs." I was speechless. I have never in my life heard anything so blatantly racist. Yes, I have heard insinuations or some mean spirited comments but this was the worst. Lydia and I were both speechless. In the evening, Lydia and I were journaling and talking, trying to process what we had heard earlier that day. The more I thought about it the more angry I was at the lady that had said it - how could someone say something like that and actually believe that they are a Christian and following God's Word, loving everyone? I opened my Bible up and started looking for answers. Matthew 7:1-2 were the first verses I came across, "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." After reading this, I felt convicted but didn't know if I could let go of my judgement. My anger slowly turned into sadness and I almost started crying as I talked with Lydia. It's sad when someone doesn't realize how far from the truth their words are. We continued reading the Bible and we shared the verses we came across that related:
Matthew 11:28-30, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
- This is the first time these well-known words took on meaning for me as I felt like the weight of the world was upon my shoulders and I felt so drained that I needed this reminder that God takes it all upon Him if we give it over to him.
John 15:12-13,17, "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends...This is my command: Love each other."
Acts 10:15,28,34-35, " 'Do not call anything impure that God has made clean'...You are well aware that it is against our law for a Jew to associate with a Gentile or visit him. But God has shown me that I should not call any man impure or unclean...I now realize how true it is that God does not show favoritism but accepts men from every nation who fear him and do what is right."
Romans 14:12-13, "So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God. Therefore, let us stop passing judgement on one another."
By the end of my reading, I came to the conclusion that while I still have to work on not judging this lady completely, it's not my place to do so. God will judge each of us accordingly and I need to focus on being the light not on making sure everyone else is. I believe that we need to be accountable to each other but it's not my place to condemn anyone. God is not going to show favoritism to me because I didn't say anything like that - I have my own sins that I need to work on. I instead need to learn from this situation how I can respond next time a comment like that is said in a way that is pleasing to God and respects everyone involved.
I am grateful, not that the comment was made, but the learning that took place afterwards. For the first time I felt as though the Word was coming alive for me and that I could relate to the words written. I for the first time studied the Bible in response to something that happened to me - and I felt at peace in the end. I am learning that this year is going to be a lot harder and stretching than I could have imagined, but if I continue turning to God for help, I will grow far more than I could have imagined.
I want to challenge you all this week to love each other and discern where you find it hard to love. Work at turning to God in every situation so that your response will be godly and reflect God's light, "Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven," Matthew 5:16.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Focusing on the Now
My week started with a Sunday celebrating the 50th Anniversary of our church's "mother" church. People from that church joined us at a special afternoon service with a meal and sharing from some of the original church members and builders. I didn't understand most of it because I have no connection to either church and a lot of it was history and stories which didn't pertain to me. This time then gave me a couple hours to think as I zoned in and out of the service. It was the start of a week filled with a lot of thoughts directed at home. This week was one of the hardest so far for being homesick. I find myself missing a lot of the comforts I have at home, my church, my friends, and especially my family. I tend to look at the pictures I have hung in my room a lot more than usual and listen to the playlist I made on my ipod of songs that remind me of people back home.
Because of so much downtime at night to think, my thoughts were not only those of home but I have been thinking a lot about my faith. A main reason for my joining Radical Journey this year, was to strengthen my faith and find answers to my questions. I have been struggling for a long time as to whether my faith is authentic or if I am just a "good person" because my parents raised me in the church. I don't have the passion for Christ that I crave and I don't know how to get it and it has been something that has been plaguing my thoughts for a while now. I am already finding that this year is forcing my out of my comfort zone and causing me to address these questions as I have more time to devote to contemplating my doubts and questions. My mom has written out a verse for every day of the year for me to read and one of them this past week was Isaiah 43:18-19, "Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." I have been focusing on the past and my homesickness but God has bigger plans and I know that He is using this time to do a new thing in me and I just needed to get away from my comforts so I can focus on Him more.
I finished reading Radical by David Platt this week and I have started another one of his books called Follow Me. He says in Radical, "He intentionally puts his people in situations where they come face to face with their need for him. In the process he powerfully demonstrates his ability to provide everything his people need in ways they could never have mustered up or imagined." I believe God has placed me here so that I can rely on Him in new ways and discover my need for him. In Follow Me Platt states, "To be a Christian is to be loved by God, pursued by God, and found by God. To be a Christian is to realize that in your sin you were separated from God's presence, and you deserved nothing but God's wrath. Yet despite your darkness and in your deadness, his light shone on you and his voice spoke to you, inviting you to follow Him. His majesty captivated your soul and his mercy covered your sin, and his mercy covered your sin, and by his death he brought you life" and he says faith is "the realization that there is nothing you can do but trust in what has been done for you in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus. Faith is the realization that God's pleasure in you will never be based upon your performance for him. Instead, God's pleasure in you will always be based upon Christ's performance in you." It is easy for my to say God loves me and to say that God forgave me of my sins and I'm saved, but I am trying to navigate away from just thinking these things to feeling them. I am realizing that it is easy for me to have faith in the fact that the Bible is true and that Jesus came to earth, but that I don't have the faith that God totally accepts me as I am and wants to live in me. I don't have the faith to totally commit my life to Him and to accept wherever He leads me because I like to have control far more than I realized before I started this journey. I am hopeful that through this year I will learn to trust God fully and to let go of my selfishness and in doing so I can let go of my hypocritical feelings and live with the passion that only comes from knowing God and doing his will that I see in other peoples' lives and achieve this description David Platt gives in Follow Me, "When you come to Jesus, his Spirit fills your spirit. His love becomes your love. His joy becomes your joy. His mind becomes your mind. His desires become your desires. His will becomes your will. His purpose becomes your purpose. His power becomes your power. The Christian life thus becomes nothing less than the outliving of the indwelling Christ."
Work this week was filled with a lot of driving around Mpophomeni taxiing people around which isn't my favorite job because while I feel a lot more comfortable behind a manual, I still am not one hundred percent confident - especially after having the car accident. I was starting to get frustrated with work this week as I was tiring of driving everyone around all the time and often sitting around doing nothing because there wasn't a job for me at the moment. Mom's verse on Wednesday was a much needed reminder, "Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life" Philippians 2:14-15. I realized that I should be glad that I get to serve amongst such joyful people and that I should have a better attitude and smile while driving people around because I am helping people since they don't have the ability to drive like I do. Some highlights from work include being taught a traditional Zulu dance by one of the girls (and getting made fun of by everyone else), learning a few more names, getting taught Zulu by a staff member and some kids (unfortunately I don't remember any of it), and eating two delicious Zulu meals, taking pictures with the younger kids.
Other highlights and interesting events from this week were eating my first chicken foot that wasn't a gummy (eating may not be the right word as I only ate about three bites - they weren't nearly as tasty as the chicken feet from the Old Dutch Cupboard!), taking a kombi into town and back home by myself, seeing some of Justin's baby birds, having a hot breakfast at the mall with Emily and Lydia, finishing my first journal after only two months, greeting a gas attendant in Zulu instead of English when she said hello causing her whole countenance to light up as she started laughing at my attempts of pronouncing the answer to her question "Unjani?" (How are you?), and having a nice relaxing Sunday afternoon at Emily's boss's house since he invited us over for lunch.
As you have been reading, South Africa is proving to be challenging, exciting, filled with laughter and homesickness, questions, and answers. I can't believe that I have been here for almost two months already - time is flying by and I am going to try and take advantage of the time I have here. You probably also have realized by now that I am enjoying writing blogs as they tend to get lengthy but I have come to enjoy expressing myself through them as I am not always the most talkative or open person as many of you well know!
Because of so much downtime at night to think, my thoughts were not only those of home but I have been thinking a lot about my faith. A main reason for my joining Radical Journey this year, was to strengthen my faith and find answers to my questions. I have been struggling for a long time as to whether my faith is authentic or if I am just a "good person" because my parents raised me in the church. I don't have the passion for Christ that I crave and I don't know how to get it and it has been something that has been plaguing my thoughts for a while now. I am already finding that this year is forcing my out of my comfort zone and causing me to address these questions as I have more time to devote to contemplating my doubts and questions. My mom has written out a verse for every day of the year for me to read and one of them this past week was Isaiah 43:18-19, "Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." I have been focusing on the past and my homesickness but God has bigger plans and I know that He is using this time to do a new thing in me and I just needed to get away from my comforts so I can focus on Him more.
I finished reading Radical by David Platt this week and I have started another one of his books called Follow Me. He says in Radical, "He intentionally puts his people in situations where they come face to face with their need for him. In the process he powerfully demonstrates his ability to provide everything his people need in ways they could never have mustered up or imagined." I believe God has placed me here so that I can rely on Him in new ways and discover my need for him. In Follow Me Platt states, "To be a Christian is to be loved by God, pursued by God, and found by God. To be a Christian is to realize that in your sin you were separated from God's presence, and you deserved nothing but God's wrath. Yet despite your darkness and in your deadness, his light shone on you and his voice spoke to you, inviting you to follow Him. His majesty captivated your soul and his mercy covered your sin, and his mercy covered your sin, and by his death he brought you life" and he says faith is "the realization that there is nothing you can do but trust in what has been done for you in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus. Faith is the realization that God's pleasure in you will never be based upon your performance for him. Instead, God's pleasure in you will always be based upon Christ's performance in you." It is easy for my to say God loves me and to say that God forgave me of my sins and I'm saved, but I am trying to navigate away from just thinking these things to feeling them. I am realizing that it is easy for me to have faith in the fact that the Bible is true and that Jesus came to earth, but that I don't have the faith that God totally accepts me as I am and wants to live in me. I don't have the faith to totally commit my life to Him and to accept wherever He leads me because I like to have control far more than I realized before I started this journey. I am hopeful that through this year I will learn to trust God fully and to let go of my selfishness and in doing so I can let go of my hypocritical feelings and live with the passion that only comes from knowing God and doing his will that I see in other peoples' lives and achieve this description David Platt gives in Follow Me, "When you come to Jesus, his Spirit fills your spirit. His love becomes your love. His joy becomes your joy. His mind becomes your mind. His desires become your desires. His will becomes your will. His purpose becomes your purpose. His power becomes your power. The Christian life thus becomes nothing less than the outliving of the indwelling Christ."
Work this week was filled with a lot of driving around Mpophomeni taxiing people around which isn't my favorite job because while I feel a lot more comfortable behind a manual, I still am not one hundred percent confident - especially after having the car accident. I was starting to get frustrated with work this week as I was tiring of driving everyone around all the time and often sitting around doing nothing because there wasn't a job for me at the moment. Mom's verse on Wednesday was a much needed reminder, "Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life" Philippians 2:14-15. I realized that I should be glad that I get to serve amongst such joyful people and that I should have a better attitude and smile while driving people around because I am helping people since they don't have the ability to drive like I do. Some highlights from work include being taught a traditional Zulu dance by one of the girls (and getting made fun of by everyone else), learning a few more names, getting taught Zulu by a staff member and some kids (unfortunately I don't remember any of it), and eating two delicious Zulu meals, taking pictures with the younger kids.
Other highlights and interesting events from this week were eating my first chicken foot that wasn't a gummy (eating may not be the right word as I only ate about three bites - they weren't nearly as tasty as the chicken feet from the Old Dutch Cupboard!), taking a kombi into town and back home by myself, seeing some of Justin's baby birds, having a hot breakfast at the mall with Emily and Lydia, finishing my first journal after only two months, greeting a gas attendant in Zulu instead of English when she said hello causing her whole countenance to light up as she started laughing at my attempts of pronouncing the answer to her question "Unjani?" (How are you?), and having a nice relaxing Sunday afternoon at Emily's boss's house since he invited us over for lunch.
As you have been reading, South Africa is proving to be challenging, exciting, filled with laughter and homesickness, questions, and answers. I can't believe that I have been here for almost two months already - time is flying by and I am going to try and take advantage of the time I have here. You probably also have realized by now that I am enjoying writing blogs as they tend to get lengthy but I have come to enjoy expressing myself through them as I am not always the most talkative or open person as many of you well know!
Monday, October 14, 2013
Learning I'm not in Control
A perfect start to my week was in the Jesus Calling for Sunday the 6th: "Be willing to follow wherever I lead, follow Me wholeheartedly, with glad anticipation quickening your pace. Though you don't know what lies ahead, I know; and that is enough! Some of my richest blessings are just around the bend: out of sight, but nonetheless very real. To receive these gifts, you must walk by faith - not by sight. This doesn't mean closing your eyes to what is all around you. It means subordinating the visible world to the invisible Shepherd of your soul" (1 Corinthians 5:7; John 8:12). I am here because I felt God calling me to come. While, it is exciting and filled with a lot of fun, it wasn't an easy decision for me to make and I still am in awe of how it all worked out and fell into place - God is definitely in control because this is a step I could never take on my own. While I have some sense of adventure in my personality, this far exceeds the limit of going outside my comfort zone. Even in the midst of a scary experience also starting my week, Sunday's devotional still comforts me and I know that Jesus is leading me.
On Sunday, in order to get internet, Emily, Lydia, and I drove to the mall - because I have the car, I was in the driver's seat. After touching base with our half hour free wifi, having coffee, and cake (Lydia got soup), we headed home as it was starting to get dark and it was slightly rainy and I didn't want to have to drive in the pouring rain in case one of Pietermaritzburg's infamous thunderstorm's decided to hit. Unfortunately, going around one of the mall's traffic circles, I got us into a car accident. Both of our front bumpers hit, luckily no one was hurt and the damage was minimal since we were both going slow in the parking lot. While the car accident has caused a lot of worry, guilt, and annoyances on both sides, I am learning that God has everything in control and I should just be thankful that no one got hurt and that the man was fairly understanding. I still do not know all the details of how everything will work out and the cost of things but insurance in handling it at this point and I just have to remember that this is a small incident in the large scheme of things and that it could have happened to anyone. Again my devotionals calmed me as Monday's read, "In order to hear my voice, you must release all your worries into My care. Entrust to Me everything that concerns you. This clears the way for you to seek My face unhindered. Let me free you from fear that is hiding deep inside you. Sit quietly in my presence, allowing My light to soak into you and drive out any darkness lodged within you.
Accept each day just as it comes to you, remembering that I am sovereign over your life. Rejoice in this day that I have made, trusting that I am abundantly present in it. Instead of regretting or resenting the way things are, thank Me in all circumstances. Trust Me and don't be fearful; thank Me and rest in My sovereignty" (1 Peter 5:6-7; Psalm 118:24; 1 Thessalonians 5:18).
Monday was my day off of work so I had a lot of time to journal and reflect. After writing down this devotional in my journal I wrote: "After the car accident last night, this is a good reminder to let go of regret and what if's and focus on accepting that God is in control and I have to trust that everything will work out in the end. I can't change what happens but I can choose to thank God. God, help me to forgive myself and move past it so that I can learn from my mistakes and move on with renewed hope to continue serving you to the best of my abilities that you have given me."
I considered not sharing about my accident because I didn't want people to find out that in only a couple weeks of driving I got in an accident, but I realized that this is a big part of how I saw God this week, so I can use it as a testimony to God's faithfulness and control. I am learning through this situation that God is in control and that maybe I hold to tightly to my own control and I have to let go and let God. I was getting tired and letting this one mistake get to me and it was affecting me too much. Again, Jesus Calling's devotional uplifted me. Thursday the 9th: "You have been on a long, uphill journey, and your energy is almost spent. Though you have faltered at times, you have not let go of My hand. I am pleased with your desire to stay close to Me. There is one thing, however, that displeases me: your tendency to complain. You may talk to Me as much as you like about the difficulty of the path we are following. I understand better than anyone else the stresses and strains that have afflicted you. You can ventilate safely to Me because talking with Me tempers your thoughts and helps you see things from My perspective." And as if that wasn't enough, Friday's - "Trust me enough to let things happen without striving to predict of control them. Relax, and refresh yourself in the Light of my everlasting Love. My Love-Light never dims, yet you are often unaware of my radiant Presence. When you project yourself into the future, rehearsing what you will do or say, you are seeking to be self-sufficient: to be adequate without my help. This is a subtle sin - so common that it usually slips by unnoticed.
The alternative is to live fully in the present, depending on Me each moment. Rather than fearing your inadequacy, rejoice in my abundant supply. Train your mind to seek My help continually, even when you feel competent to handle something by yourself. Don't divide your life into things you can do by yourself and things that require My help. Instead, learn to rly on Me in every situation. This discipline will enable you to face each day continually."
God keeps surprising me with perfectly timed devotions and Bible verses that have been uplifting me. Andrew sent me this text after I apologized again when it seemed that my devotions weren't freeing me of the guilt enough, "There could be bigger problems, and there are bigger problems in life. So don't worry about it." Andrew is right. I am working at an HIV/AIDS mission and I see people every day that have bigger problems but I keep dwelling on one incident that will not affect my life a month from now. I know this blog is long and focuses mainly on someone else's words, but God used those words to speak to me this week and I thought I would pass them along with a few of my own thoughts and responses so that they could also speak to you.
Besides that small driving incident, my driving has definitely improved and I am feeling more confident as I drive to work and home every day. I have completed my first full week of work and while it wasn't quite as exciting as the first two days because I felt as though I wasn't doing too much, I am enjoying myself in the scheme of things and I am feeling blessed by the people I come into contact with. While I only know 6 kids names because I had them write them down, I feel welcomed when even when I'm not upstairs with them, some of them still come to me and say hi or bye or just smile and wave as they walk by the office. I also enjoy getting to drive one lady home every day and the occasional other worker so that they don't have to walk home in the hot sun. This week got long and I am excited that it is the weekend, but I feel like I am in the right place as people constantly thank me for being here and I got prayed over by three different people this week on two separate occasions before leaving for home. I am excited to see what God has in store for this next week. I will continue praying for all of you back home!
On Sunday, in order to get internet, Emily, Lydia, and I drove to the mall - because I have the car, I was in the driver's seat. After touching base with our half hour free wifi, having coffee, and cake (Lydia got soup), we headed home as it was starting to get dark and it was slightly rainy and I didn't want to have to drive in the pouring rain in case one of Pietermaritzburg's infamous thunderstorm's decided to hit. Unfortunately, going around one of the mall's traffic circles, I got us into a car accident. Both of our front bumpers hit, luckily no one was hurt and the damage was minimal since we were both going slow in the parking lot. While the car accident has caused a lot of worry, guilt, and annoyances on both sides, I am learning that God has everything in control and I should just be thankful that no one got hurt and that the man was fairly understanding. I still do not know all the details of how everything will work out and the cost of things but insurance in handling it at this point and I just have to remember that this is a small incident in the large scheme of things and that it could have happened to anyone. Again my devotionals calmed me as Monday's read, "In order to hear my voice, you must release all your worries into My care. Entrust to Me everything that concerns you. This clears the way for you to seek My face unhindered. Let me free you from fear that is hiding deep inside you. Sit quietly in my presence, allowing My light to soak into you and drive out any darkness lodged within you.
Accept each day just as it comes to you, remembering that I am sovereign over your life. Rejoice in this day that I have made, trusting that I am abundantly present in it. Instead of regretting or resenting the way things are, thank Me in all circumstances. Trust Me and don't be fearful; thank Me and rest in My sovereignty" (1 Peter 5:6-7; Psalm 118:24; 1 Thessalonians 5:18).
Monday was my day off of work so I had a lot of time to journal and reflect. After writing down this devotional in my journal I wrote: "After the car accident last night, this is a good reminder to let go of regret and what if's and focus on accepting that God is in control and I have to trust that everything will work out in the end. I can't change what happens but I can choose to thank God. God, help me to forgive myself and move past it so that I can learn from my mistakes and move on with renewed hope to continue serving you to the best of my abilities that you have given me."
I considered not sharing about my accident because I didn't want people to find out that in only a couple weeks of driving I got in an accident, but I realized that this is a big part of how I saw God this week, so I can use it as a testimony to God's faithfulness and control. I am learning through this situation that God is in control and that maybe I hold to tightly to my own control and I have to let go and let God. I was getting tired and letting this one mistake get to me and it was affecting me too much. Again, Jesus Calling's devotional uplifted me. Thursday the 9th: "You have been on a long, uphill journey, and your energy is almost spent. Though you have faltered at times, you have not let go of My hand. I am pleased with your desire to stay close to Me. There is one thing, however, that displeases me: your tendency to complain. You may talk to Me as much as you like about the difficulty of the path we are following. I understand better than anyone else the stresses and strains that have afflicted you. You can ventilate safely to Me because talking with Me tempers your thoughts and helps you see things from My perspective." And as if that wasn't enough, Friday's - "Trust me enough to let things happen without striving to predict of control them. Relax, and refresh yourself in the Light of my everlasting Love. My Love-Light never dims, yet you are often unaware of my radiant Presence. When you project yourself into the future, rehearsing what you will do or say, you are seeking to be self-sufficient: to be adequate without my help. This is a subtle sin - so common that it usually slips by unnoticed.
The alternative is to live fully in the present, depending on Me each moment. Rather than fearing your inadequacy, rejoice in my abundant supply. Train your mind to seek My help continually, even when you feel competent to handle something by yourself. Don't divide your life into things you can do by yourself and things that require My help. Instead, learn to rly on Me in every situation. This discipline will enable you to face each day continually."
God keeps surprising me with perfectly timed devotions and Bible verses that have been uplifting me. Andrew sent me this text after I apologized again when it seemed that my devotions weren't freeing me of the guilt enough, "There could be bigger problems, and there are bigger problems in life. So don't worry about it." Andrew is right. I am working at an HIV/AIDS mission and I see people every day that have bigger problems but I keep dwelling on one incident that will not affect my life a month from now. I know this blog is long and focuses mainly on someone else's words, but God used those words to speak to me this week and I thought I would pass them along with a few of my own thoughts and responses so that they could also speak to you.
Besides that small driving incident, my driving has definitely improved and I am feeling more confident as I drive to work and home every day. I have completed my first full week of work and while it wasn't quite as exciting as the first two days because I felt as though I wasn't doing too much, I am enjoying myself in the scheme of things and I am feeling blessed by the people I come into contact with. While I only know 6 kids names because I had them write them down, I feel welcomed when even when I'm not upstairs with them, some of them still come to me and say hi or bye or just smile and wave as they walk by the office. I also enjoy getting to drive one lady home every day and the occasional other worker so that they don't have to walk home in the hot sun. This week got long and I am excited that it is the weekend, but I feel like I am in the right place as people constantly thank me for being here and I got prayed over by three different people this week on two separate occasions before leaving for home. I am excited to see what God has in store for this next week. I will continue praying for all of you back home!
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Fulfilling Joy
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I did not start work on Tuesday like planned but on Thursday. Those two days were the highlight of my week - even in the midst of a terrible cold which caused me to almost called in sick; however, I did not feel I have earned that right yet since it was my second day - in the end I'm glad I didn't.
So, Thursday I climbed into the Ballade for the first time by myself and made my way to Mpophomeni without incident. When I arrived, I learned about sellers who come in and buy donated clothes at a low price in order to resell to make a small profit and learn about micro-business. While there, I got introduced to a lady and she gave me the biggest hug as a welcome; she genuinely seemed to care about me and hugged me and didn't want to let go - it was probably one of the most meaningful hugs I have received in my entire life. I then sat in on a meeting with some ministers and did some administration work in the office while having some meaningful conversations with the admin officer, Nokuthula. After I finished hlpeing Nokuthula, my boss, Mduduzi asked me to do a favor; drive Alec, a homestead gardening instructor, around Mpophomeni to check on four gardens. Aside from the nerve wracking driving, I enjoyed that time and got to learn a lot more about the process of homestead gardening.
After lunch, I got to go upstairs to wait for the children to arrive after school. It was not what I expected but it turned out to be the highlight of my day. It's not what I expected because the "children" who walked in that door were almost my age. I didn't know how to take that but one of the girls immediately pulled up a chair to talk to me. Two of her friends joined us and they quickly made me feel comfortable and I can't wait to get to know them better throughout the year. I don't remember their names but I do know that we will have a lot of fun together and I'm sure I will learn a lot of Zulu from them based on how much they laughed at my horrible accent from just trying to pronounce their names and the way the girl asked for a hug before we walked out together.
My second day wasn't as exciting. I didn't get to do such a vast amount of jobs and I also was feeling a bit under the weather after not getting much sleep the night before due to my incessant coughing. I am also trying to learn that the culture isn't always go, go, go, so there will be a lot of instances when I sit around because there isn't always a job to do and relationship trumps work in many instances.
Again, the hour or so after school when the kids come to Masibumbane, was the highlight of my day. This time it was like I thought the day before was going to be like. Elementary school age kids flooded the room and immediately started doing their own thing. Again I didn't know how to respond because the younger kids aren't as confident in their English so I couldn't communicate with them. After two younger boys settled onto my lap and seemed comfortable, a few of the girls made their way over to me and smiled shyly. We soon started a sitting version of tag and the girls started to become more comfortable with me, and I with them. Over the course of the next hour and a half, I became accustomed to having the girls and one little boy constantly touching me as if making sure that I wasn't going to leave, having my hair stroked and being told it was pretty by the girls since none of them have long hair, and by one girl in particular, having my hand stroked and being held. When one girl hugged me, I asked if she wanted to take a picture; mass chaos then ensued. She got all her friends and soon most of the kids tried shoving their way into the camera's viewfinder as I took pictures. Somehow I relinquished my hold on the camera and for the next hour I didn't touch it. I have now deleted a whole pile of blurry and random object pictures but kept a whole slew of them because they just make me smile. These kids have melted my heart already - especially three girls and the one little boy who always wants to be held - who stayed behind until I drove away with them waving goodbye. Again, I don't remember their names but I am already falling in love with these precious children who walk into Masibumbane's doors and welcome me with smiles, hugs, and love.
A good reminder after those first two days of work at Masibumbane and seeing the joy on the staff and children's faces was my Jesus Calling devotional on Saturday the 5th:
"Remember that Joy is not dependent on your circumstances. Some of the world's most miserable people are those whose circumstances seem the most enviable. People who reach the top of the ladder career-wise are often surprised to find emptiness awaiting them. True Joy is a by-product of living in my Presence. Therefore you can experience it in palaces, in prisons...anywhere.
Do not judge a day as devoid of Joy just because it contains difficulties. Instead, concentrate on staying in communication with Me. Many of the problems that clamor for your attention will resolve themselves. Other matters you must deal with, but I will help you with them. If you make problem solving secondary to the goal of living close to Me, you can find Joy even in your most difficult day."
This touched me especially today because my observations the past two days of the people at Masibumbane. They are people in the worst of circumstances and dealing with a hard thing, HIV/AIDS, and yet they are some of the joyful people I have met. They often greet with hugs, they have an intense passion for God evident in their words and praises throughout the day, their smiles meet their eyes when they look at you, and they always seem to be laughing about something. If there is one lesson I want to take from this year working at Masibumbane, it is to find Joy in the midst of hard circumstances and in the little things. I am certainly blessed and there shouldn't be any reason why I shouldn't be praising God every moment of the day for how He has taken care of me and my family.
Aside from work, this week I have also officially become legal in the country of South Africa as my Visa is now straightened out, driven multiple times by myself in a foreign country (manual and on the left side of the road I might add), helped build a bird cage, ate ice cream out of a green cone, gone to youth group at my older brother's church, got a bloody nose since it was so dry from blowing it so often, made my first purchase at a Tuck shop for cough drops, took my first kombi to and from town, ate sheep tripe (much to my dismay - however it wasn't as bad as my experience with cow tripe since it was curried and I most likely will not have it for the remainder of my time here), watched my first rugby game - Springboks vs. the All Blacks (however we lost in a very close match; now I just have to get to a live game), and had an amazing first two days of work!
So, Thursday I climbed into the Ballade for the first time by myself and made my way to Mpophomeni without incident. When I arrived, I learned about sellers who come in and buy donated clothes at a low price in order to resell to make a small profit and learn about micro-business. While there, I got introduced to a lady and she gave me the biggest hug as a welcome; she genuinely seemed to care about me and hugged me and didn't want to let go - it was probably one of the most meaningful hugs I have received in my entire life. I then sat in on a meeting with some ministers and did some administration work in the office while having some meaningful conversations with the admin officer, Nokuthula. After I finished hlpeing Nokuthula, my boss, Mduduzi asked me to do a favor; drive Alec, a homestead gardening instructor, around Mpophomeni to check on four gardens. Aside from the nerve wracking driving, I enjoyed that time and got to learn a lot more about the process of homestead gardening.
After lunch, I got to go upstairs to wait for the children to arrive after school. It was not what I expected but it turned out to be the highlight of my day. It's not what I expected because the "children" who walked in that door were almost my age. I didn't know how to take that but one of the girls immediately pulled up a chair to talk to me. Two of her friends joined us and they quickly made me feel comfortable and I can't wait to get to know them better throughout the year. I don't remember their names but I do know that we will have a lot of fun together and I'm sure I will learn a lot of Zulu from them based on how much they laughed at my horrible accent from just trying to pronounce their names and the way the girl asked for a hug before we walked out together.
My second day wasn't as exciting. I didn't get to do such a vast amount of jobs and I also was feeling a bit under the weather after not getting much sleep the night before due to my incessant coughing. I am also trying to learn that the culture isn't always go, go, go, so there will be a lot of instances when I sit around because there isn't always a job to do and relationship trumps work in many instances.
Again, the hour or so after school when the kids come to Masibumbane, was the highlight of my day. This time it was like I thought the day before was going to be like. Elementary school age kids flooded the room and immediately started doing their own thing. Again I didn't know how to respond because the younger kids aren't as confident in their English so I couldn't communicate with them. After two younger boys settled onto my lap and seemed comfortable, a few of the girls made their way over to me and smiled shyly. We soon started a sitting version of tag and the girls started to become more comfortable with me, and I with them. Over the course of the next hour and a half, I became accustomed to having the girls and one little boy constantly touching me as if making sure that I wasn't going to leave, having my hair stroked and being told it was pretty by the girls since none of them have long hair, and by one girl in particular, having my hand stroked and being held. When one girl hugged me, I asked if she wanted to take a picture; mass chaos then ensued. She got all her friends and soon most of the kids tried shoving their way into the camera's viewfinder as I took pictures. Somehow I relinquished my hold on the camera and for the next hour I didn't touch it. I have now deleted a whole pile of blurry and random object pictures but kept a whole slew of them because they just make me smile. These kids have melted my heart already - especially three girls and the one little boy who always wants to be held - who stayed behind until I drove away with them waving goodbye. Again, I don't remember their names but I am already falling in love with these precious children who walk into Masibumbane's doors and welcome me with smiles, hugs, and love.
A good reminder after those first two days of work at Masibumbane and seeing the joy on the staff and children's faces was my Jesus Calling devotional on Saturday the 5th:
"Remember that Joy is not dependent on your circumstances. Some of the world's most miserable people are those whose circumstances seem the most enviable. People who reach the top of the ladder career-wise are often surprised to find emptiness awaiting them. True Joy is a by-product of living in my Presence. Therefore you can experience it in palaces, in prisons...anywhere.
Do not judge a day as devoid of Joy just because it contains difficulties. Instead, concentrate on staying in communication with Me. Many of the problems that clamor for your attention will resolve themselves. Other matters you must deal with, but I will help you with them. If you make problem solving secondary to the goal of living close to Me, you can find Joy even in your most difficult day."
This touched me especially today because my observations the past two days of the people at Masibumbane. They are people in the worst of circumstances and dealing with a hard thing, HIV/AIDS, and yet they are some of the joyful people I have met. They often greet with hugs, they have an intense passion for God evident in their words and praises throughout the day, their smiles meet their eyes when they look at you, and they always seem to be laughing about something. If there is one lesson I want to take from this year working at Masibumbane, it is to find Joy in the midst of hard circumstances and in the little things. I am certainly blessed and there shouldn't be any reason why I shouldn't be praising God every moment of the day for how He has taken care of me and my family.
Aside from work, this week I have also officially become legal in the country of South Africa as my Visa is now straightened out, driven multiple times by myself in a foreign country (manual and on the left side of the road I might add), helped build a bird cage, ate ice cream out of a green cone, gone to youth group at my older brother's church, got a bloody nose since it was so dry from blowing it so often, made my first purchase at a Tuck shop for cough drops, took my first kombi to and from town, ate sheep tripe (much to my dismay - however it wasn't as bad as my experience with cow tripe since it was curried and I most likely will not have it for the remainder of my time here), watched my first rugby game - Springboks vs. the All Blacks (however we lost in a very close match; now I just have to get to a live game), and had an amazing first two days of work!
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