Amidst the busyness of work, weekly church commitments, a Super Bowl party, getting two speeding tickets (within a month at the same place - my first tickets ever - and it was by a traffic camera nonetheless), Monday night "Politics of Jesus" class taught by Andrew, having a dump track back into me, and a week in Umtata, I have still been struggling with my faith and how to make it my own.
When looking back over my journaling - in reference to my devotions - I realize that most of the Jesus Calling devotionals that I starred and wrote down verses and quotes from, were about going to Jesus and resting in His presence, giving Him all anxieties and imperfections, and affirming that He is always with Me. I don't think that it is a coincidence that while in Umtata visiting our friends, the message at the Bethany Bible School that they were helping to lead was about God with us. While I couldn't understand most of that lesson since it was in isiXhosa, the message of God being with us came through loud and clear. While it is something that I know, sometimes it is hard for me to understand and comprehend. I struggle with comparing myself to others and I sometimes think God does the same, that He compares me with everyone else; but, God doesn't see my imperfections and mistakes - He sees me as His child whom He loves.
During the Bible school the parable Jesus told in Matthew 12:43-45 was sermonized on. I had never studied this parable before and it made a lot of sense to me. God wipes us clean and empties us of our sins, but sometimes we forget that we need to fill ourselves up again so that we don't sink even more. If when we are forgiven, shown peace, shown mercy, etc, we do not also practice that in our own lives and clothe ourselves with Jesus' words of life, we are naked and will be worse off than before. We need to clothe ourselves with God's word and practice what we have been shown. God is with us and completes us and fills us if we just let Him, it's a matter of accepting the invitation. That is something that I need to work on. Realizing that, yes, God emptied me, but now I need to believe it and fill myself up with his love, acceptance, joy, mercy, forgiveness, spirit, etc.
I have witnessed at work over the past month two miracles. Several weeks ago myself and one of my coworkers delievered a doctor's reference letter and some transport money to a client who was sick. When I walked into her house, one of my first thoughts was, "she looks like death." She could barely move herself off the bed and she looked sunken in and hopeless. My coworker prayed for her and we left, and I continued on my day as if nothing happened waiting for work to be over because I had exciting weekend plans. A couple of hours later, however, I was told that we were going to go back to that lady's house and we were going to drive her to the doctor ourselves since she probably wouldn't be able to make it by herself. I know I shouldn't have been, but I was annoyed. It was almost time to go home and I was supposed to pick up my friends after work and go to someone's house for the weekend and I didn't want to be late. I had a bad attitude and I wish that I would have been more of a witness to that lady in that moment. The doctor's visit took maybe ten minutes, the lady got some medicine, and we went home. Well a week later, this same lady came into the office walking and looking healthy, talking and laughing with a twinkle in her eye. I was thankful that I got to witness the miracle of the quick healing of this lady from death to life.
The other story also has to do with a client. I was told one day a couple weeks ago to drive a lady home. This didn't come as a surprise to me because I often take clients home if they live far away or have a lot of heavy food parcels with them, but I realized as the lady walked with a crutch to the car and then cried out in pain as she got into the car, that this lady had a serious infection on her leg that looked terrible. She directed me to her house, unfortunately on unpaved roads with a lot of potholes and ditches, with tears streaming down her face, crying out in pain with every bump we drove over. I felt awful and there was nothing I could do to keep the car from lurching over each bump. We finally got to her house and she slowly made her way down the path as I followed her with her food parcels. I knew after she first swung her leg into my car with her cry of pain, that God wanted me to pray for this lady. I have never offered to pray for anyone before of my own free will and this time I acted on the spirit's nudging, not even feeling nervous. As the lady sat down in her house, I asked if I could pray for her, gesturing with hand motions. The lady nodded her head and I laid my hands on her and prayed a simple pray of healing and renewing for this lady. She probably didn't understand more than a sentence of my prayer but she thanked me and I left her there still silently praying for her healing.
Well the other week I was told yet again to drive a client home. As I walked outside the office, I realized that this was the lady from two weeks ago. She didn't have a crutch, she walked with far less of a limp, and she didn't shed a single tear the whole way home. I didn't get a glimpse of her leg but I thank God because I know her healing is continuing and she is feeling much better. I felt much lighter as I left her home this time, knowing that God is at work in her life.
While I still am at a loss in a lot of aspects when it comes to my faith, I know that God is at work in my life. I have been placed here for a purpose and He is molding me into a person He can use to carry out His kingdom here on earth - one of servanthood and humility. Sometimes I just forget how much God loves me and I take it all for granted; I recently read the book "Because We Are" by Ted Oswald which had a few quotes that I loved, "No matter how long we live, no matter how long we suffer, we are loved by God so immensely and so completely, this love, it's like air. We breathe it in and out, till we stop noticing it's even there. We don't recognize it, we take it for granted. But it IS there, keeping us alive, making life possible. So whether I live for a split-second or a hundred years, we know that all along we've been completely and absolutely immersed in this deep, deep love." I have come to realize that I'm at the point where it's just air - but I don't want it to be anymore; I want to have the faith and relationship where I see God's love all around me and carry out that kingdom, "Though the darkness could crash in again any second, they should shine their lights as brightly as they could, while they could." I want to be that light Jesus talks about in Matthew 5:16 and fill myself up with His peace, mercy, love, joy, and the list goes on...
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